What’s keeping you from being you from being happy? Does it feel like no matter how hard you try, there is resistance meeting you at every turn? Could it be that the resistance is an essential part of the journey and that when you explore inside yourself, you can face it head on and get out of the gap that is keeping you from greatness?
Bumping up Against Resistance
I am so aaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Why can’t anyone just NOT depend on me for 24 hours? Why when someone calls to ask how I am the truth is that they just really need something from me? Why can’t I have a few hours to just be?
I feel guilty every single time I try to claim time to myself. I wake up at 3 AM—no small feat—to focus on me, on God, on my workouts, and the work required to achieve my goals.
My daughter wakes up.
My husband wakes up.
The rest of the day is people asking me for things they need rather than trying to figure it out.
Why is that? Why won’t people think for themselves?
My daughter is six. While a high level of forward-thinking isn’t the expectation, I would like her to consider solutions rather than yelling across the house that she is hungry or thirsty or tired or bored—she can solve all these problems herself. Instead, she resists being the solution to her own problems and expects that I will solve them all for her (or, in my absence, that my husband will solve them).
As humans, why do we do that? Why do we push blame on others and hold onto the expectation that someone else can solve our problems?
I am on a journey to change this for myself. To find happiness. It is on my agenda (pun intended).
However, as I try to rally against all the things that are holding me back from happiness, I am meeting resistance, and it is pushing me into the “gap.”
What is the Gap?
If you google “healing the mind” or “find your future self” or any other number of similar queries, you will be met with a plethora of experts touting meditation, prayer, and concentrated effort toward forward-thinking as the secret to uncovering your truest self, finding your purpose on this earth and unlocking real happiness.
I am in the midst of this experience.
In my research, these experts describe a “gap” that keeps you stuck in your current state, staring across the chasm—often smaller than it appears—with happiness lurking just on the other side. You can see it. You can almost taste it but somehow, some way, you just can’t get there.
Personally, I am staring across that chasm right now.
Just four weeks ago, I began this journey toward my future life. I went headlong toward the pursuit of happiness. And, like most things I pursue, I dive right in headfirst with confidence and the honest belief that I know exactly what I am doing. I have killer willpower—so I thought.
It was an amazing start. I heard a lecture and read a book that described how humans are basically just reliving the past over and over and over again. I’m 44 years old—that’s a long time to be doing the same thing every. single. day. (Of course, my thoughts also immediately turned to my 70+ year-old parents and how long they have probably been living the same days over and over, but that’s another story).
The speaker, Freedom Ministry Founder, author, and Leadership Consultant, Bob Hamp, described how each morning he wakes up and looks at his phone—checking very specific information in a few select apps to start his day. To break the cycle, he decided to wake up and skip the phone time for a few mornings.
I thought about my own mornings. I wasn’t prone to doom scrolling. I reluctantly crawl out of bed, shuffle to my closet and in dim lighting put on my workout clothes, contacts, brush my teeth, and slurp down half an energy shot before trudging to the garage for my workout. I tell myself that I am a superior being for achieving this feat at 3 AM or 4 AM most mornings. And, during the lecture, I secretly whispered to myself that I was a step ahead in this happiness game because my morning was a healthy pursuit.
But then I thought and thought some more. My favorite place to think is in my car. In fact, renowned healer and author, Dr. Joe Dispenza, as well as leading organizational psychologist and author, Dr. Ben Hardy, both state that driving a vehicle is a perfect example of a learned behavior that is autonomic; you can do many, many things at once without really thinking about it—making it easy for the mind to wander and one to forget the passage of time or, sometimes even, the destination.
On the drive home a few days later, I sucked in a deep breath and realized with horror that I had been living life on repeat but somehow, some way, I still landed in different places along the way, “Starting tonight, I will be different,” I told myself.
That night, instead of drinking 3 or 4 glasses of wine, I only had one. As I lay down for bed that night, I rehearsed the day ahead of me and what I would do and say in each of the difficult interactions that lay before me—particularly at work (p.s. I’m an obsessive workaholic).
Then, when my alarm went off at 3:30 AM the following morning, I did something I only do on vacation days—I got right up. I didn’t slap off the alarm and roll around under the covers ruminating over the previous day’s events or dreading the day ahead. I got up with gratitude for being alive. I got up grateful that I had the health and wealth to be awake and alive in this moment.
That morning, I ran the fastest average mile I have run in years—not quite back to my high school days but definitely taking me back at least 10 years.
Wow! What else could I accomplish with simple shifts in mindset?
The rest of the week, I rehearsed my day before I fell asleep—what would I do and say in the most challenging parts of the next day? How can I be better in those moments and practice compassion?
It was an incredible experience. I spoke up in meetings, I stood up for myself, and I shared my ideas. And I observed with utter disbelief that in most of those moments, I got the support of my colleagues who were also hoping to see change in some of those same issues facing the organization.
At home, mornings before school were calm and, dare I say, fun? We at breakfast together, read books, and laughed at my daughter’s insistence that brushing her teeth was one chore too many but remarkably we got it done.
I started waking up every day thrilled to be alive, boundless energy and creativity pouring out of me.
And then came the resistance.
What is the Resistance?
Part of what the “experts” advise when seeking to unleash your future self is to plan your future as if it has already happened and then make every decision as that future self.
I feel like there should be a warning label for intense, type A people like me.
If there is one thing that I do well, it is plan and plan and plan some more. I plan so much that most of males in my life ask me if I can just “be spontaneous for once in your life.” Here’s the thing about spontaneous—most of the time, people get upset. The truth is, there are few times in life that people want to be surprised, and I have learned that if I set expectations and give people a guide—they are ultimately happier (trust me, I’ve done my research)—even if they perceive that they just want to go with the flow.
This goes back to how I started the story—no one really wants to think for themselves.
And this is where the resistance caught up with me.
I planned a future that would happen on a very short timeline. I did my meditations; I changed my attitude. I said yes instead of saying no. I smiled at strangers. I danced and sang while doing the dishes. I was so happy.
Then my timeline began to creep up. Nothing had happened. I was different but nothing was changing around me. My daughter went back to the moody beast who hates bathing and brushing her teeth. My husband retreated to the movie room to watch TV each evening without so much as a “good night,” and I was completely blocked on the creative front.
I also over obligated myself because I made decisions as this future self.
I volunteered to help a friend with her business.
I took meetings with old colleagues.
I signed up to volunteer in the middle of a weekday.
Yet, I was still stuck in my 9 to 5 and all my grand plans were endless piles of sticky notes strewn all over my office.
I became dark and sad. Then I became frustrated and angry—very angry.
My family became frustrated and angry.
Then I went back to sad and practically grief-stricken.
My alarm went off this morning at 3:30 AM, it took me 9 minutes to get out of bed. I trudged. I meditated. I rose up “a new me,” and went out to the garage. I ran fast, but not that fast.
At 4:30 AM, my daughter woke up. There goes my writing time.
I tried to maintain control of my anger. This is something else the books talk about—don’t let the body control the mind. Emotions or feelings are produced by the body—it’s a conditioned response to the environment. In order to become greater than time and greater than our environment, you must overcome the feelings and continue on toward the future while still in the present. It is very difficult, especially when you thought you had it all figured out, but guess what? God’s timing is perfect and with all the future self-planning, you must let go of the “how” and the “why.” As Dr. Joe Dispenza says in his guided meditations, “Don’t sweat the details.”
All I do is details.
And now, I am meeting the resistance.
I didn’t get what I wanted when I wanted it. All is lost. I should go back to being miserable.
Ironically, this is how my six-year-old thinks and reacts. I’m not getting what I want, so I shall be angry.
My anger is manifesting as anxiety and frustration. Why God, why don’t you give me what I want?
Everything seems to be crumbling around me. Now that I know I am meeting the resistance—whether it’s the devil on my shoulder or just the old me, I must be stronger.
Giving up—whether my goals are accomplished today, tomorrow, next week or next year—I am still ever closer by pressing forward toward the purpose I know God has for me than by going back to the woman that gulps down half a bottle of wine while making dinner, falling into a disturbed sleep, and then wallowing in self-pity before I start each day.
God has blessed me to have this day and each day I praise him for that is a day that brings me closer to finally fulfilling my purpose.
Are you stuck in the gap? Are you facing resistance that keeps you from crawling out? Join our email list and stay tuned for my upcoming book series designed to help women just like you rally against the resistance, climb out of the gap and embrace the happiness you have always dreamed of experiencing.
